Standing in my own way

The past two months of inactivity on this blog illustrate the swirling mass of chaos that my life has become. Work, health, family, finances – you name it and it has caught fire, come to a head, or dropped a stinky pile of poo at my front door sometime in the last 60 days or so. I’ll spare you the boring details – and those I love the airing of my dirty laundry – but suffice it to say that life ain’t a bowl of cherries right about now.

And of course, with all of these personal issues taking up the lion’s share of my time, attention and energy, there hasn’t been a whole heck of a lot of time left over for the pursuit of MY stuff.

While I have managed to keep from gaining any weight – a small miracle for me with all this stress – I haven’t lost much either, save a few pounds in the past couple of weeks thanks to a late spring bout of the flu. My weight loss goals keep getting set, missed, mourned, and reset once again. I’m an emotional eater, so every day around here is like Mardi Gras to my psychological hunger drive – ice cream, chips and guac, fast food…just make mine a double! And as for sticking to a regular exercise routine, even I know that one is dead at the starting gate.

And then there’s work. My work that is, the side job. I have made a few small strides in getting my e-commerce site up and going. I ordered product for my starter inventory and even did some work on content for the store pages, but the work is slow-going, mostly due to my inconsistent attention to the project. I’ll get in there and mess around with a couple of items on my task list (I do have a kick-ass task list of course, being the all-planning-no-action, hyper-organized person that I am), but it’s 30 minutes one day and 10 minutes a week later – not the disciplined focus that a fledgling business needs to get off the ground.

So what’s the problem?

Everything else that’s going on in my life? Well yes, the merry-go-round of stress that my life has become these past two months certainly presents a challenge. Right now I’m spending most of my time and energy fighting fires, so there’s just not a whole lot left over to pour into “my stuff.”

But on the other hand, I’ve read dozens of success stories about folks who pressed on through just as much crap as I’m dealing with right now (many were faced with far more dire circumstances in fact) and they still made it to the finish line. So that’s not it.

Everyone else in my life? Perhaps, at least in terms of the time- and energy-sucking aspects of my current situation as previously lamented…yes, I could say that some of my friends and family have been a roadblock for me.

But on that damn other hand again, I have a husband who believes in me and my wacky dreams, who offers me advice but never judgment or discouragement, who does whatever he can to clear a path for me to “do my work” as it were. I also have a couple of wonderful friends who support me as well; having their encouragement, their ears to bend, and their shoulders to cry on in the tough times is often a lifesaver for me. So no, that’s not it either.

So what does that leave? What’s the roadblock to my success, the wrench in the works, the great albatross around my neck?

Me. All bullshit aside, it’s me.

At the end of the day, it’s my hand shoveling the Crunch n’ Munch in my mouth. It’s my eyes that clamp shut at 5am when I need to get up and workout. It’s my brain that shuts down, runs away, freezes in fear and anxiety when there is work to be done on the side biz or a blog to write or whatever “me” work needs doing. It’s always me, standing in my own way, whether out of fear or frustration or both.

I am the problem and I am the solution. It’s so simple, yet it’s the toughest thing in the world to do sometimes – get out of my own way and get moving on my dreams.

Time to get moving.

Laser Sharks

I was thinking in the shower this morning – the place where all my best thinking is done – about my need for focus and the lack thereof. This past week in particular, extra-heavy professional and personal workloads have led to me overeating, skipping workouts and ignoring my side business. In short, I have put my dreams on indefinite hold.

The same thing happens every time I get pulled away from what I really want to do – especially if it happens repeatedly and/or over an extended period of time. Instead of re-focusing on what’s really important to me in the few precious minutes I have to myself, I just goof off in front of the TV, Facebook, or a big bowl of ice cream. Why do I keep repeating this same destructive pattern over and over again? Some of it is frustration, a feeling that things are never going to work out anyway so why even bother trying. Other times I do it out of self pity; I get so caught up in feeling put upon, like I deserve a break, when in reality the best thing I could do for myself is work towards improving the situation for the future.

So, back to the shower. I knew what I really needed to get myself back on track was focus. Laser beam focus. That, of course, made me think of Austin Powers. To paraphrase Dr. Evil, what I need now is a frickin’ shark with a frickin’ laser beam attached to its frickin’ head so I can get my shit done.

See, what I’m thinking is that if I just had a little tank on my desk with a miniature shark swimming around in there, and the little shark had a little laser beam stuck to the top of his head, I could just pull him out anytime I had a tough situation and annihilate the problem instantaneously.

• Gotta design a masthead for my website – FIRE!
• Gotta squeeze in 20 minutes on the treadmill – FIRE!
• Gotta write another blog post – FIRE!

With my indispensible little laser shark by my side, I could rule the world!

Yeah, it’s a nice dream, but not terribly realistic. Let’s face it, even Dr. Evil had to make do with mutant sea bass. For now, I’ll just have to attach a laser beam to my own head – figuratively at least. That’s exactly what I need, a pinpoint beam of mental light that cuts through all the excuses and whining, all the Full House reruns and Pop Tarts, all the fear and bullshit that’s holding me back.

Because when you get right down to it, all that matters is this:
• Eat clean and workout.
• Work my ass off on MY business.
• Be creative.
• Enjoy life.
• Love my family.
• Love my God.

All the rest is secondary, all of it – the day job, the bills, the chores, all the day to day minutia. Yes, some of it is necessary but not as much as my mind tricks me into thinking sometimes – and none of it will add another minute to my life or another ounce of satisfaction. That’s what the laser beam is for: to recognize the difference, cut through the necessary secondary stuff as fast as possible, and get right back to focusing on what matters.

And if that doesn’t work, does anyone know where I can find a mutant sea bass?

The best-laid schemes

I have a confession to make: I am not a John Steinbeck fan. I know that in some peoples’ eyes that makes me some sort of literary Neanderthal. How can I call myself a modern-day American writer and not love Steinbeck? Look, I totally respect the man’s body of work and his incredible talent; he’s just not my cup of tea.

I did, however, enjoy Steinbeck’s Of Mice and Men when I first read it back in high school. But what I have always loved more than the novel itself is the inspiration for the book’s title – a poem entitled “To a Mouse, on Turning Her Up in Her Nest with the Plough”, written in 1785 by Scottish poet Robert Burns.

The verse that Steinbeck used to name his book is as follows:
But, Mousie, thou art no thy lane
In proving foresight may be vain;
The best-laid schemes o’ mice an’ men
Gang aft agley

Which translated into standard English reads:
But little Mouse, you are not alone,
In proving foresight may be vain:
The best laid schemes of mice and men
Go often awry

For George and Lennie, the farm and the rabbits were just a pipe dream that was never meant to be. Circumstances simply wouldn’t allow it; life got in the way. On the other hand, maybe the problem was that they couldn’t get out of their own way long enough to let the good luck in. Or perhaps it was a little bit of both.

I’m in the same boat right now, except there’s no posse on my tail and no one is holding a gun to my head. For the past few weeks, I’ve been juggling an assortment of major and minor crises in the areas of health, finances, relationships, work – you name it, it’s been screwed up nine ways to Sunday, and the hits just keep coming. Some of these “challenges” are largely the work of outside influences; others are self-inflicted, and I must own that. But regardless of where the fault lies, all of my plans for a better life for me and my family, for losing weight and breaking away from the corporate world seem to be falling apart at the seams and/or frozen in place.

So where do I go from here? I just keep going, I guess. Get up every morning and keep doing the work as best I can. Eat clean as clean as I can every day and workout as much as my body and my schedule will allow. Squeeze in some work on my side business every day, whether it’s two hours or two minutes, just so there’s consistent forward motion towards freedom. Step by step, brick by brick – that’s how you lay your plans, build your nest and make your dreams come true.

K.I.S.S.: Keep it simple, scaredy-cat.

I am an organization freak to a fault, or at least I used to be. To-do lists, calendars, outlines, I love ‘em all. But over time, things have taken a turn for the worst. I used to use these organizational tools as just that, tools to keep me on schedule and on track towards the goals I had set for myself. Now, though, I use them as delay tactics – as a way to look and feel busy, in control, as if I am doing something and making progress towards my goals every day when in reality, all I’m really doing is pushing paper.

Take my daily to-do list for example. Every day I make a list of must-do tasks, but then I always end up focusing on the easy stuff and ignoring the tough stuff. I’ll get to all that other junk tomorrow, no question about it. Right?

When I do have one of these sudden revelations that my time-management system is all screwed up, I normally jump into – you guessed it – organization mode. Make a clear list of goals, break them down into specific tasks, blah blah blah. Yeah, I could do that, but this time I’m not going to because I know what will happen. Those intricately crafted lists and schedules will sit in my planner, congealing like a plate of day-old fried eggs. Because once there’s a clear course of action to take, all that’s left to do is take it, and that’s when I get scared shitless.

Why am I scared? That’s a whole other post in itself I suppose – I definitely have fear of failure, of the unknown…probably a fear of success on some level too. When there’s nothing left to do but do the work, I get cold feet. It’s as simple as that. That’s when the procrastination and the perfectionism and the overthinking kick into overdrive.

But not this time. This time I’m going to try an entirely different tactic. I’m going to ignore my fear and plunge into this thing headfirst. In the spirit of keeping it simple, I have just three ground rules.

Rule #1: Stop procrastinating. I will do the work first and take my break when the work is done. That’s why it’s called a break after all, and not an appetizer.

Rule #2: Aim for done, not perfect. Spelling errors, cross-outs on the paper, incomplete thoughts that need to be readdressed later – as much as it kills me I will ignore them and keep plowing through. Only have half the stuff I need right now? I’ll just do as much as I can. Can’t decide whether to turn right or left at the intersection? I’ll just make a decision; I can always double back later. The key is forward motion, always.

Rule #3: Don’t overthink it. I could literally spend forever in paralysis by analysis. It’s high time I stopped pretending that I’m “doing research” or “getting all my ducks in a row” when all I’m doing is stalling. Less thinking, more doing.

1-2-3. That’s it. No fancy schedules, no complicated lists. The time has come, the walrus said, to get your butt in gear.

Deedless faith

“In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.” James 2:17

In less than two weeks I’m going to my annual company party. I had a goal to lose a certain number of pounds. I won’t make it, even if I starve myself and run on a hamster wheel 24/7. And this certainly isn’t the first time. I’ve spent most of my adult life setting my sights on losing weight before the next big party or birthday or class reunion or family gathering, and it never happens.

This week also marked my 22nd anniversary at my job. Fortunately no one else realized it because frankly, it’s nothing to celebrate. I suppose I shouldn’t say that; in this economy I am thankful to have a job, to be able to support my family. But I am stuck in a mid-level position with no chance for promotion – and no real desire for it either – doing work that gives me no satisfaction, no creative outlet, no feeling that I am helping anyone or solving any real problems or making a difference. I want out, and I am really no closer than when I started this blog, except in my heart.

So what’s wrong? Why do I sound like a whiny broken record of “didn’t” and “couldn’t”, of “can’t” and “won’t”? The reason I never seem to achieve my goals is not because I don’t think I can do it. My problem is not a lack of faith. I believe that I can lose the weight, find the ideal job (or non-job as the case may be), live the live I dream of. Faith I got in spades. The problem is that I’m not actually doing anything about it. My faith is deedless faith.

Ever notice how determined kids get when they try to talk you out of something they don’t want to do – homework, bath time, you name it? Children have this amazing rationalization process about why it would be better to put off the things that you know they need to do, things you know will be a million times easier to just get out of the way than to put off. You’re just making it harder on yourself than it needs to be, you think. You’re wasting so much valuable time. Let’s just get it done and move on.

So why can’t I see it when I’m doing the exact same thing?

Do I workout and eat clean every day? No.

Do I write every day? No.

Do I work on my business plan every day? No.

These are the things I need to do to survive, to thrive, and yet I put them off like kids put off homework and baths. And why? Now it’s true that doing lunges and eating hard-boiled egg whites is not my idea of a good time, but writing and developing and a business plan? That’s the stuff that once I get going, I love to sink my teeth into. Once I get going…that’s the key. Pulling myself away from the TV and Internet and all the other distractions long enough to focus on what really matters. Except, of course, then I’d have to deal with my fears – fear of failure, of success, of where to start, of am I up to the challenge.

So let’s do it. Let’s deal with those fears. After all, what’s scarier than realizing that I’m not getting any younger or any happier, and that I’m running out of time with every day I let slip by?

Faith can move mountains, but sometimes you gotta put your back into it, too.

Weight. Work. Wow.

As the year draws to a close and talk of New Year’s resolutions abound, the timing is perfect to lock in on a plan for moving forward with the three key areas of (life) improvement that I have been only half-heartedly pursuing up until now. I have even added some alliteration to make my goals sound catchier. Look, I am who I am. I need lists. I need structure. I need order and symmetry or I get real jittery. But one of my New Year’s resolutions for 2013 is to stop apologizing for who I am, unless I who I am is an asshole. And even then, sometimes you have to be an asshole to get the job done, am I right? Anyway, here they are:

#1. Weight. Getting fit is goal #1, muy importante, the rock upon which all else is based. This one is simple, but not easy – eat clean and workout. That’s it.

#2. Work. This one is actually a split focus between two “W’s”, my writing and my work (as in future endeavors, not to be confused with the current day job). Finding alternative sources of income and leaving the day job is still the plan, there just isn’t an actual plan for it, at least not yet. I know that writing will be a big part of my future life’s work, but there may need to be – most likely will need to be – more in terms of income generation, at least at first. Again, it’s simple but not easy – I just have to pick a direction and start moving.

#3. Wow. What’s nice about this last one is that it’s simple AND easy. Get busy living. Find at least one moment to savor every day, a “wow” moment. Okay, so some of those moments elicit more of an “ahh, that’s nice” response than a “wow”, but stick with me people, I’m trying to form a pattern here. Anyway, you’ve got to live each day as if it’s all you have (even while you’re forging ahead with your future), because it is. Like I said before, you don’t need checklists or some master plan for that. You just need to do it.

So here’s to 2013, the year of weight, work and WOW!

 

What would she do?

Am I addicted to failure? Am I scared of success? Why?

I want to be this amazing person, but I want the change to already be done. I don’t want to do the work, or maybe I’m just scared that the work will be too hard or take too long and I’ll fail anyway, so why even bother? So then I decide (subconsciously) that instead of waiting to disappoint myself later, I’ll just go ahead and do it now. I’m a classic negative self-fulfilling prophecy.

But then I started thinking, what if I took that concept of self-fulfilling prophecies and turned it on its head? Instead of saying, “I want to succeed but I know I will fail eventually, so let’s just get it over with now,” what if I changed my whole perspective and started living with an expectation of success? What if I just “fake it till I make it”?

So that is my plan: to become a self-fulfilling prophecy of success, to fake it till I make it. I will live as if I am already the person I want to become. I will think, speak, and act like the me of the future, the me of my dreams. She is one amazing woman, really – a loving, devoted wife and mother; a beautiful, sexy, fit woman who is embracing her 40’s unabashedly; a successful writer and entrepreneur who finds passion and purpose in her work; she’s funny, smart, compassionate, joyful, and at peace, finally.

What would she do? How would she think, speak, behave? What would she eat, wear, read, watch, listen to? How would she work, how would she spend her free time?

“What would she do?” That’s what I will ask myself when faced with the choice of moving forward versus stagnating, or when I feel myself dragging down into negative thoughts and attitudes. I will use it to motivate myself to keep working towards my goals, inch by inch, especially when the urge to give up becomes overwhelming.

I will live the future now. The future will become the present, the dream will become reality. I fake it, therefore I make it.

“What would she do?” She would post this blog and move on.

 

So far, not so good

It’s 5am, and I’m up and writing; it’s a pre-Thanksgiving miracle! Yesterday I got up at 5:30 to work out – that’s two miracles in a row. One more and I’ll probably be canonized. Yeah, well, don’t call the Sainthood Committee (probably not their real name but cut me some slack, it’s 5am) just yet. Between my last blog and today, Miss “I’m Drawing a Line in the Sand” has done a piss-poor job of backing up her words with deeds.

My weight loss goal of 125 pounds by 1/25 is barely hanging on by a thread. As my husband – and most faithful reader – can attest to, I have made very few adjustments to my eating habits over the past two weeks. No excuse, I have simply continued to let life and its stresses dictate my insatiable need for comfort food, pretty much round the clock.  And as for working out, well, my time is stretched thin between work and home commitments, which means that during the week I must be up at dark o’clock to get in some exercise (it’s cold, it’s exhausting, yuck), and on the weekend my little one makes it next to impossible to carve out even 20 minutes alone (and frankly, if I get any free time on the weekend, all I want to do is nap).

I know how flimsy these excuses sound, how weak and gutless they truly are. I read a ton of terrific blogs by amazing, inspirational people. One of those great bloggers would turn this whole thing around right about now with the perfect anecdote about meeting an old friend on the street, or a parable about donkeys digging their way out of wells or something, but I got nothing. Just the cold, hard truth. I’m human and I’m trying. I do a little better some days, backslide other days, but at least I can say that overall, the trajectory of my life is improving little by little.

And that is something good and true, something wonderful and positive to hold onto. On the creative side of things, life is improving slowly but surely. I have this blog that I am writing with a more steady frequency and loving every minute of it. I have a creative project that is coming along and will someday soon join my other creative babies out there in the universe, searching for a home. In the meantime, my writing is an outlet that makes the day job more bearable; I have hope for a better tomorrow, and I don’t have to look for validation from people who have no concept of true creativity.

Speaking of the day job, my other “line in the sand” goal was being outta there by 12/1/13. A bit more progress has been made on that front than on the weight loss front, but not by much. Yes, my work on the creative stuff will hopefully lead to an escape route – if just one of my creative babies finds a home with a generous patron I will be on my way to bigger and better things. But in the meantime, I’m looking to develop other sources of revenue to replace my current one, sources beyond just selling my writing. There is much work to be done and I have spent very little time on it these past few weeks, with the exception of doing a lot of reading on the subject. This is yet another way in which I have to get my ample backside into gear and FAST. After all, 12/1/12 is just around the corner, and then the countdown really starts.

Still, I refuse to give up hope. After all, this is “Faith, Love and Caffeine”, not “Ahh screw it, I’ll always be a loser.” If I start believing there’s no hope, that there’s nothing better out there, that I can’t make it happen, then I will have to resign myself to fat pants and a dead-end job, and I REFUSE TO DO THAT. God gave me the blessing of this life and He created me with a purpose. I am here to do something – maybe one big something or maybe a lot of little somethings – either way, I know He has a plan for me and I am going to do my part to make the most of this one precious life.

A line in the sand

It’s time to draw a line in the sand. All signs point to it. The universe is screaming at me at the top of its lungs. How do I know? Because of the weirdly perfect timing of setting a couple of long range goals right now. It is simply meant to be.

First of all, my weight. My goal weight is 125. I have set a pace for myself which, starting today, puts me at reaching my goal on January 25th or 1/25. I’m not going to divulge where I’m starting from or the pace I must lose weight at to reach this goal, let’s just say it’s extremely optimistic. I refuse to call it unrealistic, though, because that would be admitting defeat at the starting gate – plus I just love the symmetry of 125 by 1/25.

How will I do it? By keeping it simple. Workout, eat clean, drink water. I know what to do, I always have. I just don’t apply myself for a million reasons.

Second is breaking away from the day job and starting my own fun-loving, free-wheeling self-employment gig. How to decide when best to make my move? Of course I’d love nothing better than to pack up and leave 5 minutes ago, but what with the mortgage and health care and all that grown-up jazz to think about, I need to put a wee bit more thought into it. One thing I’d like to put behind me here at the 9 to 5 is to finish paying off a loan I took out on my 401k a while back. Sure, I could leave sooner and pay a penalty, but the loan will be paid off in a year – November of 2013 – and I’ll be back to my fully vested self.

With that in mind, I’m setting December 1, 2013 as my target date for turning in my two weeks notice. That gives me over a year to put together a plan and implement, which is good because right now, I got nothing but a couple of creative projects out for consideration, and a burning desire to get the hell out of Dodge.

So there it is, two-thirds of my three-part “gameplan for total life change”. As you may recall, this super awesome plan, my very own creation, consists of three basic goals:

Goal #1: Get fit.

Goal #2: Find alternative sources of income and leave the day job.

Goal #3: Get busy living.

As for number three, get busy living is something I need to work on every day. It’s the conscious choice to bake cupcakes with my kid, snuggle on the couch with my husband, read a good book, watch the sunset, do some needlepoint, take a nap, and a thousand other little things that make life delicious. You don’t need checklists or some master plan for that. You just need to do it.

Wow…as read back over these bold proclamations, I find that I am scared shitless. It’s terrifying and exhilarating all at once. I should erase this whole blog. I should hurry up and hit “post” before I lose my nerve.

Okay. Here goes nothing.

Integrity is hard

Integrity really is hard. I promised myself that I would post on this blog once a week, every Thursday, as a commitment to myself, to help establish a routine of writing, to hone my skills, etc. On convenient Thursdays I do it all on my own, and that’s all well and good. But when an inconvenient Thursday comes, when there’s work and home and a million other things battling for my time and attention, when I decide to postpone my blogging till the weekend or, worse yet, skip a week “just this once”, that’s when having the integrity to keep my promise to myself is hard.

I promised myself and husband for the 327th time that THIS time I’m going to do it, this time I’m going to lose the extra weight once and for all. I’ll eat right, exercise, all that good stuff. When it’s a good day and there’s not a lot of pressure and I eat clean and workout, that’s easy. But when it’s a bad day, when I’m hungry and stressed and someone brings donuts into work, when I’m too tired to get up and workout at 5am because I stayed up till midnight watching reruns of House, that’s when having the integrity to keep my word, not only to my beloved husband but also to myself, is so very hard.

I read a great line the other day: Which pain would you rather live with, discipline or regret? I swear, I should tattoo that right on my forehead. That’s the thing, I keep avoiding the pain of discipline, yet at the same time I seem to be completely comfortable with the pain of regret. I’m living with it every morning when I get on the scale. I’m living with it every day that I drive to the day job instead of staying home and living my dream of self-employed nirvana. Apparently, for me, the pain of regret is preferable than the pain of a little discipline. I have to change that, starting now. Number one, I have to finish this blog post, the one I should have done a week ago. Second, I have to accept the fact that according to the scale I was up another pound this morning – small wonder considering that last night I ate half a box of lucky charms and I haven’t hit the treadmill in nearly a week.

But you know what? It’s great to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start over, but at a certain point even I am sick of hearing myself prattle on, all talk and no action. How about I stop starting over and just start doing it right in the first place? Enough already.